Funeral Etiquette

Published: 11/30/2009 by FHR Team

If you have never been to a funeral, you may be wondering what proper funeral etiquette consists of. This article is designed to assist you with the basic ‘funeral etiquette rules’. Please note that some customs or religions may have variances, so if you are unsure you can always call a funeral home or clergy of the deceased’s religious affiliation to find out details.

• Pay Your Respects to the Family
When you learn of a death, it is customary to call or pay a visit to the family’s home to offer condolences. Do your best not to upset the grieving family. One of the worst things you can say is ‘I know how you feel’. While you may think you know how they feel, even if you have experienced a similar loss, this can be a frustrating verse for the bereaved to hear. Simply offer your condolences, and ask if you can help them. If they accept your help, make sure you follow through and complete whatever task they charged you with.

• Bring Food
Many jokes are made about taking food to a grieving family after their loss, but there is good reason to do so. In many cultures, bringing the family a covered dish of some sort is customary. If you do so, make sure it is in its own container that you do not mind leaving behind. Also make sure it can be reheated easily, and if it is a dish that can be frozen (casseroles, for example) that is best. Cooking is the last thing on the family’s mind, especially in the case of a young father or mother passing away.

• Offer Assistance
It is very nice to offer to cook, clean, shop, or care for children in the home. Caring for children can be very difficult to remember to do or can be very tiring for those experiencing a loss, especially in the midst of funeral planning. Take time to listen to the bereaved if they feel like talking about the departed loved one. It is sometimes appropriate to share a fond memory of the deceased family member as well. Be cautious in your words, and take care not to say anything negative about the person who has recently passed away.

• Flowers or Donations
Sending flowers to the funeral home is also considered appropriate. Check with the funeral home or a family member or the obituary first. Some families prefer that donations to local charities are made in lieu of flowers. If you choose neither of these options then you may wish to send a basket of fruit or other edible arrangement to the family’s home.

• Dress the Part
Typical funeral attire consists of respectful, modest black or dark clothing. It is customary for men to wear suits and women to wear dresses or skirts. However, women can also wear suits as long as it is appropriate for the deceased’s religion. Do not wear bright colors, immodest clothing, or clothing with vivid patterns such as flowers. These ‘cheerful’ patterns are inappropriate and should be avoided.

• At the Memorial Service
If you attend a memorial service or visitation where the deceased is present, it is appropriate to pay your respect by approaching the casket. This is not necessary however, and a matter of personal comfort level. A prayer or some quiet reflection is appropriate. You may also express your sadness and condolences to the family members again at this time. Make sure you turn off all cell phones, pagers or any other items that may make a noise and disrupt the service.

• During and After the Funeral
During the funeral you should remain quiet and listen respectfully. If you are in the motorcade, you should drive slowly with your vehicle headlights on. Afterwards, you should attend the reception if you have been invited. If you are ever unsure of what to do during a funeral, follow the lead of the guests around you.